Dad,
I can't believe that it has already been a year. When I was younger time moved by so slowly. It seemed to take years until my next birthday. Now time moves by much too quickly. It slips through my fingertips....when I blink, an entire year has flown by.
I was supposed to come see you today. I had everything planned out. I was going to drop the kids off at school, turn up my music, and make the two hour trek to come and see you. Sam was up all night coughing and now he is staying home from school. I'm sure I could find someone to watch him but I know it's my job to stay here and take care of him. Maybe it's better that way....
Maybe it's best that this day passes quickly. I don't want to remember or celebrate how I felt...how I feel.
I think about you a lot. I think about all that you are missing, that you will miss. I still feel you close by....in my heart, with every breath. I still can't look at pictures of you without crying and I still listen to your messages on my answering machine at least once a week.
I'm so glad that I have them. It's nice to hear you say I love you and miss you...when you can't anymore. Sometimes it feels like I am living in a dream and I forget that you are gone. When I realize that it's true, that you aren't here anymore, I feel raw....a pain in my heart that makes me want to throw up.
I feel alone in my pain, I don't really have anyone in my life who understands how it feels. I know that James and Diannah lost you, but they have each other and they knew you in such a different way. Besides, I don't even know that I could explain how I feel.
It's 09/09/09...a day of wishes. Is it strange that my only wish is that you were still here? Just for a moment....that would be nice.
I am going to go now and sit with Sam and watch a movie. I told him I was going to see you at the cemetery and all he could say was "Poor Papa Frank"....
I wish he had more time with you. You would be so proud of him and of Emma. They are such good kids and I am so angry that you are missing out on being a part of their lives.
I miss you. And I love you.
Always,
Kris